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Gift guide · Mother's Day: May 9

Funny Mother's Day gifts for Mom

She raised you. She counted to three and never once had to find out what happened at three. She said “I’m fine” in a voice that made the whole house check whether they’d done something.

Flowers are nice. Flowers are also dead by Thursday.

Because I Said So. is a dictionary of the things your mom says, decoded at last. It has 500 entries covering the dinner table, the laundry pile, the car and The Look. Each one is a real mom sentence (“Maybe.”) followed by the translation (“It’s a no with a waiting period.”). It’s illustrated, in full color, and she will recognize herself on every page. She’ll pretend to be offended for about four seconds.

It makes a good gift from grown kids, from the family, or from her partner, who has been on the receiving end of “We’ll talk about this later” more than once. If she’s a grandmother, Have You Eaten? covers the second helpings, the folded twenty and the purse that contains everything.

Get the paperback for the coffee table, or send the Kindle edition if Mother’s Day is tomorrow. Nobody has to know.

The books

A few entries

MOM SAYS: No. 081
I'm counting to three...

TRANSLATION: Nobody has ever found out what happens at three.

From Because I Said So.
MOM SAYS: No. 348
I'm fine.

TRANSLATION: She is not fine. Proceed with caution.

From Because I Said So.
MOM SAYS: No. 041
Because I said so.

TRANSLATION: The case is closed. There is no appeal.

From Because I Said So.
GRANDMA SAYS: No. 001
Have you eaten?

TRANSLATION: It does not matter. You are eating again.

From Have You Eaten?
MOM SAYS: No. 498
Call your mother.

TRANSLATION: She doesn't need anything. She just wants to hear you.

From Because I Said So.
GRANDMA SAYS: No. 079
Here's a little something.

TRANSLATION: A twenty-dollar bill has been folded into a tiny square.

From Have You Eaten?

Questions

Which book is for Mother's Day?

Because I Said So. is the Mom book. For a grandmother, Have You Eaten? is the Grandma book. Both are 500 entries, illustrated, in full color.

Will it arrive before Mother's Day?

Amazon shows the delivery date before you check out. If you've left it late, the Kindle edition can be sent by email on Mother's Day itself.

Will she find it funny or will she feel attacked?

Funny. The book is on her side. Every translation makes it clear that she was right, and that the counting to three worked.

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