Funny Valentine's Day gifts

Valentine’s Day expects you to say something meaningful. Roses say “I remembered on the way home.” Chocolate says “I was at the pharmacy anyway.” A funny book that proves you understand every word your partner says is a different message entirely.

There are two of them.

Do Whatever You Want. is for your wife. It decodes 500 things she says, including “I don’t care, you pick” (she cares, and she has a list of places she doesn’t want) and “Never say ‘calm down’” (ever, under any circumstances, and he has learned).

I Was Listening. is for your husband. It decodes 500 things he says, including “Which one is Karen again?” (Karen has been her best friend for eleven years) and “Wait, which anniversary is it?” (the one with the number).

Both are illustrated in full color, and both end with a chapter that’s honestly sweet, which is useful on Valentine’s Day. Give it with dinner. If the dinner reservation turns out to be “at the place with the TVs,” the book is in there too, and there’s an entry for it.